1
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:11,013
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

2
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:14,014
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

3
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Put your hands together
for my main man,

4
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Mr. Martin Lawrence.

5
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

6
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Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

7
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Make some noise.

8
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

9
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,319
Yes!

10
00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,543
Thank y'all for coming out

11
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:05,853
tonight in the house.

12
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Hey,

13
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my man, Derrick Coleman,
ladies and gentlemen, from the New Jersey Nets.

14
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And T. Mills. Wassup?

15
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Wassup, D?

16
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D!

17
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Six-ten, Derrick.

18
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No, I love you, man,
that's my brother, man.

19
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Derrick Coleman.
Three million a year, huh?

20
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

21
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Paid!

22
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You ain't got to rap
the girls, though.

23
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You just walk up like this
and, "Hey, three-mil."

24
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

25
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"Where you live at?
Which way you going?

26
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"Okay, I can drive my own car.
I'll meet you there."

27
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That's good, man.
Love you though, bro.

28
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Oh, my man, Ed Lover, MTV.
Wassup, man?

29
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Give Ed
a round of applause.

30
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

31
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And Todd 1.
What's up, Todd?

32
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[EXCLAIMS] You know,
with MTV, Todd 1.

33
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:07,209
You know who
Todd's girl is, right?

34
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:10,737
MC Lyte, and guess what?

35
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He got a tattoo on his chest.
Got MC Lyte on this shit.

36
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And I used to
fuck her.

37
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

38
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Hey, hey, believe me.

39
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There's a lot of light at
the end of that tunnel, boy.

40
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

41
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[LAUGHS] Man, you want to
still fuck with me?

42
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No, he messed with me
all night, but you my man.

43
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Welcome. Thank y'all
for coming [LAUGHING]

44
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,966
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

45
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:07,269
We also got some
other people in the house I'd like to acknowledge.

46
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:10,667
Lawrence Taylor and Ice T.

47
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:12,412
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

48
00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:14,193
And Ice T, yeah!

49
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[MARTIN EXCLAIMS]

50
00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:19,939
Now wassup, man?
Hold on, what's up?

51
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LT, right, and Ice T.
What, man, wassup? Y'all got the same mother?

52
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Wassup, man?

53
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:25,675
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

54
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What is he,
a albino linebacker?

55
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

56
00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:33,603
[GRUNTING]

57
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[LAUGHING] That's a joke.
You want to hear some...

58
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[IN A HIGH-PITCHED TONE]
You my motherfuckers.

59
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Just playing.

60
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And LT, you better
fuck me up too, man.

61
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'Cause you ended
Theismann's shit. I was just playin'.

62
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See, that's what's there, LT.
We boys!

63
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

64
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He looking at me like this.

65
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:03,766
[LOW SNARLING]

66
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I was just playing.
I was just playing.

67
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:12,082
I'm just fucking
with everybody. That's your lady, right there?

68
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That's your lady!
Hey, how you doing?

69
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,953
You look a little nervous.
Got your little...

70
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,256
That's a lot
of hair weaving, you know that?

71
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,302
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

72
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:24,738
I'm just joking. I'm just...
No, I'm just joking. [LAUGHING]

73
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No, there's a bald horse
in Central Park.

74
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

75
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[LAUGHING]

76
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I'm just joking.
I'm just joking.

77
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[EXCLAIMS]

78
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:05,828
Just playing.
All right, y'all.

79
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You having a good time?
Y'all having a good time here?

80
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AUDIENCE: Yes!

81
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,572
All right.
Coming to the stage is my man, a very funny guy.

82
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You've seen him on
a lot of the comedy specials. He's from Cleveland, Ohio.

83
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Y'all give it up
for A. J. Jamal.

84
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[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

85
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How's everybody doing?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

86
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What's happening?

87
00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:33,332
Doing a lot of traveling,
man. Went home to see my mom and dad.

88
00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:35,466
I like hanging out
with my mom. My mom is so cool.

89
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,379
And maybe your mother
was like this, be honest.

90
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My mother made us think that
Jehovah's Witness was a gang.

91
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We thought they had guns.
They'd ring the doorbell, "Get down! Get down!

92
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"Everybody, in the kitchen,
in the kitchen!

93
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"Don't close that door.
Come here, come here!"

94
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"Mama, somebody's
on the porch."

95
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"Just get down, get down."

96
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"They peeking through
the curtains."

97
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,490
Yeah, I go back home, man.

98
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:05,837
I like New York, though.
Eat a lot of food up here. Y'all got different food.

99
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:07,927
I had some Chinese food
the other day.

100
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That good food,
'cause they'll make anything for you, don't they?

101
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"You got some
shrimp fried rice?" [MUMBLES]

102
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"Egg foo young?"
[MUMBLES] "Yeah, egg foo young."

103
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"Some bacon and cornbread?"
[MUMBLES] "We can make for you."

104
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

105
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"How about some
barbequed corn flakes?"

106
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"Barbeque...
Wait one moment."

107
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"Yeah, we got barbequed
corn flakes."

108
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[LAUGHS]

109
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They'll make it,
won't they?

110
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"Got a suede coat
back there?"

111
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,699
"We got a cow.
What's your size?"

112
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:46,099
I had some Indian food.
You ever eat that Indian food?

113
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:50,584
That's some spicy food.
Blow your butt hole out, didn't it?

114
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:53,407
[MIMICS EXPLOSION] Whoa!

115
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I caught some toilet paper
on fire, that Indian...

116
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,684
[LAUGHS]

117
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,551
Ain't nothing you can do
when your butt burned

118
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,863
and walk around
with that butt burned-look.

119
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,427
You can't put ice on
the butt hole, you know.

120
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:15,832
Yeah, starting to date again.
Met a nice young lady.

121
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,870
Don't you hate to meet
somebody too nice.

122
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,695
Yeah, that's right,
too nice.

123
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,533
You know
what I'm talking about. A lady.

124
00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:23,831
I mean I'll open the door
for somebody,

125
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:26,138
but you know,
we get to the place.

126
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:28,754
I get out of the car.
She's still sitting in there.

127
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:32,965
I'm thinking,
maybe the door jammed.

128
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,326
You know, I have
that problem some time.

129
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:38,548
You got to reach out
and open it.

130
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,458
Yeah, she talking
about, "I want my man to open the door,

131
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,514
"so I can get out."

132
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,290
"Okay. Just remember,
at the end of the night,

133
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:47,734
"I want my woman to open
her legs so I can get in."

134
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:49,511
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

135
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,170
You ever made love
with somebody

136
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:54,741
that ain't' made love
in a long time, like four years?

137
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:58,168
Got that wild love.
Boy, they just... They untamed.

138
00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,436
They throw you
out the bed.

139
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,049
You ever been thrown
out the bed?

140
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:03,269
I don't mean like, she say,
"Get up and get out."

141
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:06,618
I mean... [LOUD MOANING]

142
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,920
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

143
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,668
[LAUGHING AND MUMBLING]

144
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:17,707
What do you do
when you're thrown out the bed?

145
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,199
Get back in it.

146
00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:23,499
It's my bed.
I was like, "Whoa."

147
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,976
I got me a piece of rope,
I jumped on, and I was like...

148
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:30,507
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

149
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:34,861
Ten seconds.

150
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:41,614
She was like...
[IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING]

151
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:47,884
[LAUGHS]

152
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:49,919
Wild love!

153
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,322
Them rappers make wild love,
them rappers.

154
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,749
'Cause you can tell.

155
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:58,536
Women go crazy,
like LL and stuff.

156
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:01,891
I don't care, you ever...
LL be naked at the end of his songs, don't he?

157
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:06,072
LL can start off
with four overcoats, three hats, turtleneck,

158
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:09,940
ski mask, gloves,
mittens, two pairs of boots.

159
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,384
By the end of the song,
he like, "All right...

160
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,117
"All right...

161
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:16,380
"All right..."

162
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,740
You know what they need?
You ever see a gay rapper, that would be cool.

163
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,570
You... A gay rapper.
Put your hands together...

164
00:09:27,915 --> 00:09:29,475
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY]

165
00:09:29,525 --> 00:09:31,305
[INSTRUMENTAL
RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

166
00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:35,712
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

167
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,719
♪ My name is Paris,
but I'm not from France

168
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,892
♪ I make my own clothes,
but I can't dance ♪

169
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,288
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

170
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,120
[POPPING LIPS]

171
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:56,065
[LAUGHS]

172
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,027
Hey, I'm A.J. Jamal.

173
00:09:58,075 --> 00:10:00,945
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

174
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,608
[MUSIC STOPS]

175
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,260
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

176
00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:15,438
[LAUGHS] Yeah!

177
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,834
Y'all, give him another round
of applause. A.J. Jamal.

178
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,788
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

179
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:24,929
[CLEARS THROAT]
Coming to the stage, from Los Angeles,

180
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:27,892
is a very funny woman.
I got to work with her on the road

181
00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:30,371
and it's always
a pleasure and I know you going to enjoy.

182
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,462
Give it up for
Simply Marvelous.

183
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,421
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

184
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:35,939
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

185
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,295
[MUSIC STOPS]

186
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:47,391
How you doing?

187
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:50,039
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

188
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:55,664
God damn it, how you doing?
How your mama doing?

189
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:58,218
That Martin Lawrence
is a funny motherfucker, ain't he?

190
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,086
Boy, but he can
eat a coochie.

191
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,877
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

192
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:08,672
But you know,
some people just take

193
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,841
shit a little bit
too goddamn far.

194
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,887
You know what I'm saying?
He had me knocking on his door this morning,

195
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:15,853
"Look, Martin,
can I have my ovaries back?"

196
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:16,892
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

197
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:27,344
Well, shit,
there ain't nothing wrong with oral sex.

198
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,302
There ain't nothing
wrong with oral sex.

199
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:32,080
Oral sex will have you
reaching for shit ain't there.

200
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,614
[LAUGHS]

201
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,911
And if they do it right...
You know what I'm saying?

202
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:41,438
If they do it right,
that shit will have your ass walking around in a daytime

203
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,833
with a flashlight looking
for that motherfucker.

204
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:46,047
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

205
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,847
Don't get me wrong,
ain't nothing wrong with sex.

206
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:58,329
Look, I'm in for sex,
safe sex,

207
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,199
lock the motherfucking door.

208
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,942
See that shit with
Magic Johnson?

209
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:10,247
Poor old Magic.
I'm sorry, he got that disease and shit.

210
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:12,824
You know what I'm saying?
But that fucked up my sex life.

211
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:16,262
That put my shit on hold.
You know what I'm saying?

212
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,780
It put my shit on hold
because see, I'm almost forty years old.

213
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:22,436
I'm at the point in my life,
I do not want to make love.

214
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,570
God damn it, I want to fuck.

215
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:25,753
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

216
00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:36,020
I want to fuck till
I destroy some shit.

217
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:41,853
I want to fuck till
the four walls come down.

218
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:46,071
I want to fuck
till a bird fly over and shit in my bed.

219
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:47,903
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

220
00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:54,508
But let me tell
y'all girls something.

221
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:57,166
Men, they naughty,
they naughty by nature.

222
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:59,911
You know what I'm saying?
They gonna be bad. They gonna be a whore.

223
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,483
If they didn't learn anything
from this Magic Johnson,

224
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,350
shit, they should have
learned three new words. "No, thank you."

225
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:08,094
You know what I'm saying?
They gonna be a whore.

226
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:11,135
When their bitch
call your house, go get him.

227
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:14,011
Say, "Look, Scarlett O'Whore
here." Go get the bitch.

228
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,494
You hear what I'm saying?
Go get him, goddamn it, because see,

229
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:19,844
I want you to go out there
and get you a good insurance policy.

230
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,756
Because see,
he ain't gonna last long.

231
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,981
He gonna have HIV,
then he gonna have A-I-D-S,

232
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:26,631
the motherfucker
gonna be D-E-A-D

233
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:29,105
and your ass
gonna get P-A-I-D.

234
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,976
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

235
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,474
See, I'm trying to
find me a good man.

236
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,383
See I'm a single mother.
I don't know where their daddy is.

237
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:42,948
That's why I keep watching
America's Most Wanted.

238
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,352
[LAUGHS]

239
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:47,299
It's hard to find a good man.
They either homosexual,

240
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:49,608
or bisexual,
incarcerated, rehabbed,

241
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:52,574
drugged-out, crazy, stupid,
or just plain fucking cheap.

242
00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,534
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

243
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:03,098
But I date them young ones.
I love them young ones, boy.

244
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:04,576
Let me tell you
how to get them.

245
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,146
Go stand in front of
a daycare center,

246
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:08,763
get you a pack of Huba Bubba
and a Big Wheel.

247
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:12,500
That motherfucker all yours.

248
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,767
Sometimes you might
run into a genius and that motherfucker

249
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:18,030
might want a Nintendo.
God damn it.

250
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,992
See, I love New York
because I love rappers.

251
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:26,257
I love them goddamn rappers.
You hear what I'm saying?

252
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,690
I love me some...
Look, Ice T, you cool with me.

253
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:31,571
You hear what I'm saying?

254
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:34,699
What... Ice T and LT,
what's with them motherfucking "T"s?

255
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:38,053
What, your mama was fucking
at 2:00 on a Tuesday, during a thunderstorm?

256
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,884
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

257
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,937
But let me
tell y'all something, LL is my man.

258
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:55,369
I love me some LL Cool J.
When I... Y'all see him,

259
00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:56,976
y'all tell him, simply say,

260
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,896
"Look, she ain't no
round the way girl but God damn it,

261
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:00,731
"she'll be an
up the block bitch."

262
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:03,029
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

263
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,133
See, y'all be careful,
girls. Before I go, y'all be careful.

264
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:17,475
See that motherfucker
right there? I used to date a man like that.

265
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,735
Took him home,
dropped his drawers,

266
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:19,957
all I saw was
kibbles and bits.

267
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,916
Good night, y'all.

268
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,884
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

269
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,592
Oh!

270
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:42,380
Simply Marvelous, y'all.
Simply Marvelous.

271
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:43,859
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

272
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:51,117
Damn, you taste...
I mean, you a good girl. Simply Marvelous.

273
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,427
[MAN SHOUTS]Oh, shut up.

274
00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,689
She good, man... [STUTTERS]

275
00:15:56,738 --> 00:15:59,778
She give good head.
I got to love it.

276
00:15:59,828 --> 00:16:01,738
I'm serious,
she don't kiss around it, nah!

277
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:05,136
She right there,
right face-to-face.

278
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:06,841
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

279
00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:15,763
Not none of this.

280
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,070
No, ain't none of that
running shit and I want to thank you, Simply.

281
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:21,628
Simply Marvelous.
Give her another round of applause.

282
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,290
Yo, he from Washington, D.C.,
the boy's funny, I know you're going to enjoy him.

283
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:31,817
Give it up for Pierre.

284
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,170
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

285
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:42,912
Wassup?

286
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:45,268
Fuck this mike.
Let's do this. Let's do this.

287
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,828
We're going to
have a good time. I live in L.A. now.

288
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,360
They need a subway.
Fuck that.

289
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,881
They got too many
people out there begging, hitchhiking,

290
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:57,185
waiting for rides and shit.
I hate hitchhikers, too.

291
00:16:57,233 --> 00:17:00,023
Fellows, next time you see
a hitchhiker, do me one favor. Do what I do.

292
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:02,852
See, pull past them
like 50 yards,

293
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:05,021
pull over, let the nigga
run to your car.

294
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:07,027
They like, "Hey, man,
you all right, my brother. You all right, man.

295
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,119
"You pretty cool.
You all right, man, you all right."

296
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,508
Soon as they get to
your rear bumper, pull off. [IMITATING ENGINE]

297
00:17:11,552 --> 00:17:13,422
I think, what the hell.
If 25 more people do that,

298
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,637
he be where the hell
he want to be at. He could be like,

299
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,816
"Nigga, thanks, man.
I live right here.

300
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,862
"You all right, motherfucker,
you all right. My house is right here.

301
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:23,258
"Thanks, man.
Number 19. Thank you. Thank you, motherfucker."

302
00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:25,173
He ain't got no car.
He can't catch me.

303
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:28,048
Fuck that nigga.
Shit, fuck him.

304
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:30,789
[CHUCKLES]

305
00:17:30,832 --> 00:17:32,272
I need the money
Def Jampaying me

306
00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:33,792
and I need the money
bad too, man.

307
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:35,615
My phone bill's
kicking my butt.

308
00:17:35,663 --> 00:17:38,233
I call them 1-900
numbers, man.

309
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,194
Once!
I only did it once, man.

310
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:42,193
You know them 1-900's
are like foreplay. 1-900's, you know,

311
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:44,975
for them women
to talk to you, and get you sexually aroused.

312
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:47,330
I called one up last week.
You know that stuff costs

313
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,200
four dollars
for the first minute and ninety-nine cents

314
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:51,292
for each additional minute
for some woman to talk to you

315
00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:53,251
and get you sexually aroused?

316
00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:55,289
I called up some lady...

317
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,765
I had a lady that stutters.
She cost me four hundred

318
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:58,434
and fifteen motherfucking
dollars, y'all.

319
00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:00,208
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

320
00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:03,043
She talking about,
"[STUTTERING] Babe, what you want to do?"

321
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,952
I'm like, "Well,
what you want to do is hurry the hell up.

322
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:06,386
"This shit
is costing me, baby."

323
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:07,833
I can go out
and buy some booty

324
00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:09,439
and have change
for that kind of money.

325
00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:11,389
[CHUCKLES]
Hear what I'm saying?

326
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:13,088
I love you, L.A.
I love you women out here,

327
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,745
but women are so fine,
I'm glad it's getting cold.

328
00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,529
Oh, man,
I'm glad it's getting cold.

329
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:18,753
Yeah,
'cause the fashions, man.

330
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:21,233
I'm glad biker shorts
about played out.

331
00:18:21,274 --> 00:18:22,584
'Cause, sisters, y'all have
some beautiful bodies,

332
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:25,413
but all y'all can't wear
biker pants.

333
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:27,062
Hell, just 'cause your girl
look nice, don't mean

334
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,316
your ass is going
to look good in them.

335
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:29,668
You know what
I'm saying, fellows?

336
00:18:29,717 --> 00:18:31,367
I've got one rule.
Women, if you're not sure

337
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:32,684
you're can wear
biker pants, there's one rule.

338
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,680
It goes like this.

339
00:18:34,722 --> 00:18:36,812
If your stomach
is bigger than your ass, you can't wear them.

340
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:39,214
[LAUGHS]

341
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,818
Fellows, you be pulling up
to women, "Hey, get your nice healthy ass... Stomach.

342
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:43,248
"God damn, I thought
it was your ass, girl."

343
00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:44,296
Fuck that.

344
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,125
Yeah.

345
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,779
I saw this girl in the mall,
man, today.

346
00:18:48,823 --> 00:18:50,833
I ain't seen her
since high school. Fine little girl.

347
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:51,998
I ain't seen her
since high school.

348
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,573
She had a child
with her, too, man.

349
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,920
Cute little girl.
I didn't even know she had a baby.

350
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,180
I said, "Girl, what's up?
I didn't know you had a kid. How old is your baby?"

351
00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:01,794
She said, "[LAUGHS]
My little Shontay here, she's thirty-four months old."

352
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,446
So, I'm standing
there thinking, "How many times does

353
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,320
"twelve go into thirty-four
and carry the one..."

354
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,711
"How old is this
little motherfucker? I got no time to add-subtract.

355
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:12,055
"Break it down for me, baby.
Shit, one, two, break it down for me."

356
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:16,019
I ain't got no time...
Shit.

357
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:21,459
You know, I read
in the paper some stupid stuff, y'all.

358
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:25,948
This homeboy got shot
over his $130 pair of tennis shoes.

359
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,650
Isn't that the stupidest
thing to do? Think about it.

360
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,429
If you shoot a brother
over his tennis shoes,

361
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,563
you ain't guaranteed
a sure fit.

362
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:33,736
[LAUGHS AND MUMBLES]

363
00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:35,961
What if them shoes too small

364
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,090
and he walking around
with a $130 worth of corns on your feet and shit.

365
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:40,533
Can't shoot no ball
with them.

366
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,920
Hey, I know about
being shot, y'all. I got shot a couple years ago.

367
00:19:43,965 --> 00:19:45,705
Yeah, man, I was
hanging out with my boys thinking I'm cool.

368
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,319
True story,
I got shot three times.

369
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,230
I got shot in the hand,
the calf, and in the back.

370
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:50,965
Running my mouth
with my fellas.

371
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,835
I'm in McDonald's.
I order some food.

372
00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:55,147
We walk out to my car,
we jamming, having a good time,

373
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,284
thinking about what party
we want to go to.

374
00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,016
All of a sudden,
his brother approached and he started talking trash.

375
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,587
Now, I'm with my boys,
I'm gonna talk trash back.

376
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,644
I'm like, "Wassup? Wassup?

377
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,729
"What you want to do, huh?
What you want to do?"

378
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,678
The guy pulled
a gun out and I said, "Hey, wassup?

379
00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:09,157
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

380
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,248
"Bean pie, my brother?"
[LAUGHS]

381
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,208
He's like,
"Ah, bean pie, shit... [IMITATES GUNFIRE]

382
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:16,216
And just started shooting
and everybody is running

383
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:18,038
and I say, "Oh."
See, he shot me in the leg first, like, pow!

384
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:20,916
Like, "Oh, shit.
This nigga crazy. He's crazy."

385
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:22,218
Shit, I'm running and
everybody's running up,

386
00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:23,614
trying to get back
into McDonald's.

387
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,177
You know they locked
the door on my ass?

388
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,364
"Open the door
and serve me!"

389
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,270
"Go through the drive-thru."
[IMITATES DOOR LOCKING]

390
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,706
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
I'm running, I'm running

391
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,062
and my heart just
beating and shit.

392
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:34,321
"Oh, my God,
he's gonna kill me."

393
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:36,243
He shot me
in the back. Pow!

394
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:37,628
Like, "Oh, no!"
I'm like, "Oh, no, Lord, don't kill me,

395
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,801
"don't kill me."
He shot me in the hand. Pow!

396
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:43,017
"Ow, hey! You with the gun.
I ain't the only motherfucker out here.

397
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,767
"You can spread
them bullets around equally. That nigga ain't been shot.

398
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,679
"You ain't been shot, nigga.

399
00:20:47,724 --> 00:20:49,554
"No, nigga,
you ain't been shot."

400
00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:51,506
God bless you.
I'm out of here.

401
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:54,434
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

402
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:04,919
Give a round
of applause for Pierre.

403
00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:06,399
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

404
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:12,272
Okay. All right.
Yo, coming to the stage is my man.

405
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:15,544
A very funny brother,
I'm telling you. Yo, get ready.

406
00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:18,318
So, strap your shit
and get ready because this is my man.

407
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:19,584
He has his own show.

408
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:22,276
Yo, give it up for
D.L. Hughley.

409
00:21:22,324 --> 00:21:24,814
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

410
00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:33,122
Come on, make some
noise real loud, y'all.

411
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:36,771
Everybody talking about
fucking, man, I don't know. Magic, that shit.

412
00:21:36,817 --> 00:21:40,777
I ain't... No.
I ain't down with OPP, HIV, I ain't down with shit.

413
00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:42,691
But the brother
was brave because I don't care what you say,

414
00:21:42,736 --> 00:21:44,736
Magic came out
and told everybody,

415
00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:46,441
"I got it." That was brave.
I don't give a fuck what you say.

416
00:21:46,479 --> 00:21:48,569
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]I don't care.

417
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,310
Cause a nigga like me
would have never told.

418
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:53,794
I could have been
three pounds.

419
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:56,974
"No, ain't shit wrong
with me, no, nigga...

420
00:21:57,011 --> 00:22:00,061
"I'm fucking with that
Dick Gregory, but hey...

421
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:03,801
"I ain't shit wrong with me."
I know it.

422
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:05,594
It ain't even safe to
fuck no more, man.

423
00:22:05,628 --> 00:22:08,238
You can die fucking.
Ain't nothing worth dying for.

424
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:09,943
I can't think of shit
I'd die for.

425
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,680
If a motherfucker pull a gun
on my mother I'd be like,

426
00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:13,641
"Hey, what'd she do?"

427
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,380
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

428
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:16,941
"She fuck with your money?"

429
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:18,987
"I'm sorry, Mama,
you got to go.

430
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:23,393
"You pray all the time,
you going to heaven. Stop crying."

431
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:25,649
I'm not bullshitting.
They couldn't have sent me to that Desert Storm.

432
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:28,392
Desert Storm? Nigga,
it's a storm over here.

433
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,574
Fuck that, I'm not
dying for nobody.

434
00:22:30,610 --> 00:22:32,000
And white people
try to trick you.

435
00:22:32,046 --> 00:22:33,396
"Giving your life
for your country, hey,

436
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,699
"that's the greatest
thing you can do."

437
00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:38,095
That's bullshit. Remember,
the coward lives to tell

438
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:41,229
how that brave
motherfucker got killed.

439
00:22:41,272 --> 00:22:46,192
He ran at the cannons
and then I ran home, with my check. [LAUGHS]

440
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,414
I'm not dying for nobody.
I will write a book about it

441
00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:50,374
called Gone Like
a Motherfucker.

442
00:22:52,153 --> 00:22:54,553
Ain't shit worth dying over,
man, I'm not bullshitting.

443
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:57,290
That's why I could never
have a job where I was expected to give my life.

444
00:22:57,332 --> 00:22:59,162
Like a secret service agent

445
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:01,033
got to jump in front
of the President and take a bullet.

446
00:23:01,075 --> 00:23:02,595
I can see me
my first day at work.

447
00:23:02,642 --> 00:23:04,432
"Uh, something wrong."
"Where's the President?"

448
00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:07,040
"That motherfucker
laying in the street."

449
00:23:07,081 --> 00:23:09,131
"Where you at?"
"I'm behind a truck, nigga!"

450
00:23:09,170 --> 00:23:10,870
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

451
00:23:10,911 --> 00:23:12,521
Shit.

452
00:23:12,565 --> 00:23:14,215
Shit. I'm not dying
for nobody,

453
00:23:14,262 --> 00:23:15,572
'cause I want to get paid.

454
00:23:15,611 --> 00:23:17,831
I don't know about y'all,
I want to be rich.

455
00:23:17,874 --> 00:23:19,534
Whatever you got to do
to make money,

456
00:23:19,572 --> 00:23:22,052
long as you
don't hurt nobody, is fine with me.

457
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:24,226
Like, everybody talking
about James Worthy,

458
00:23:24,272 --> 00:23:26,842
Los Angeles Lakers,
got busted in a motel room with two prostitutes.

459
00:23:26,883 --> 00:23:30,893
Ladies, how many of you
would leave him for that? That's what I thought.

460
00:23:30,931 --> 00:23:33,021
That motherfucker make
five million dollars a year.

461
00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:34,593
For five million dollars
a year, James Worthy

462
00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:36,590
could fuck me,
you understand that?

463
00:23:36,632 --> 00:23:39,112
"Go on, do what
you want, James.

464
00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:42,066
"Man, you sure you don't
know nobody I know, right?"

465
00:23:42,116 --> 00:23:44,636
Two weeks later
I'll be on Oprah. "Oprah, he used me.

466
00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:47,302
"James didn't really love me."

467
00:23:49,297 --> 00:23:51,557
My boy say you got to
have money to take women

468
00:23:51,604 --> 00:23:54,354
to restaurants because
women go to restaurants, they lose their goddamn mind.

469
00:23:54,389 --> 00:23:56,389
They got to order from that
expensive side of the menu.

470
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,735
The side with the steak,
and the lobster, and the Dom Perignon.

471
00:23:58,785 --> 00:24:00,865
Guys like to give them
that little warning, too.

472
00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:02,877
"Oh, honey, you understand,

473
00:24:02,919 --> 00:24:04,439
"that's the fucking
side of the menu. You understand that?"

474
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:05,786
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

475
00:24:07,054 --> 00:24:08,884
No, no, no, no, no.

476
00:24:08,925 --> 00:24:10,875
"No... No, you order from
that side of the menu,

477
00:24:10,927 --> 00:24:13,277
"somebody is fucking.
You understand that?

478
00:24:13,321 --> 00:24:14,631
"I'm not saying it's you,
but somebody

479
00:24:14,670 --> 00:24:15,890
"live where you live,
is fucking me.

480
00:24:15,932 --> 00:24:17,722
"You understand that?

481
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,980
"It's steak,
lobster, and dick. It is a combination."

482
00:24:20,981 --> 00:24:21,981
That's right.

483
00:24:24,637 --> 00:24:26,597
I wonder that men and
women at home making love

484
00:24:26,639 --> 00:24:28,549
she's going,
"God, can we stop now?"

485
00:24:28,597 --> 00:24:31,207
"Uh-uh, bitch.
You want them chicken wings, you keep going.

486
00:24:31,252 --> 00:24:32,862
"And you had a doggy bag.

487
00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:35,296
"That means I'm coming back
tomorrow, God damn it."

488
00:24:35,343 --> 00:24:37,783
Fuck that.

489
00:24:37,824 --> 00:24:39,744
'Cause black mothers
are always the same, man.

490
00:24:39,782 --> 00:24:41,702
Women, they get up,
they grow old,

491
00:24:41,741 --> 00:24:43,921
they become mothers,
black mothers are all...

492
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,490
Man, when you be way
down the street, your mother call you in the house

493
00:24:46,528 --> 00:24:47,878
like it was an emergency.
You run in the house.

494
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:49,271
"Come here! Come here!"
You run in the house.

495
00:24:49,313 --> 00:24:51,323
[PANTING]
"What you want, Mama?"

496
00:24:52,099 --> 00:24:53,099
"Turn the TV."

497
00:24:55,102 --> 00:24:57,632
It's like, "Ain't you right
next to that motherfucker?

498
00:24:57,670 --> 00:25:00,500
"I hate her. Make me sick."
"What you say?"

499
00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:02,022
"Nothing? Dang!

500
00:25:02,892 --> 00:25:04,552
"Stinky lady.

501
00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:07,377
"Mama stink."

502
00:25:07,418 --> 00:25:08,898
I don't know, man.

503
00:25:08,942 --> 00:25:10,682
A lot of people
believe in Heaven,

504
00:25:10,726 --> 00:25:12,416
a lot of people
believe in Hell, man. A lot of people do, man.

505
00:25:12,467 --> 00:25:14,337
Somebody ask me,
did I believe in Heaven and Hell.

506
00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:15,992
I said, "I don't know,"
you know. But then I was reading.

507
00:25:16,036 --> 00:25:18,036
I read that a hundred
million Africans...

508
00:25:18,081 --> 00:25:19,691
A hundred million Africans,
dig this,

509
00:25:19,735 --> 00:25:21,955
died in the slave trade.
A hundred million!

510
00:25:21,998 --> 00:25:25,348
Man, there's only
two hundred and fifty million people in this country.

511
00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:28,003
A hundred million
people is more than some countries have.

512
00:25:28,048 --> 00:25:29,958
That'd be like
a third of this country.

513
00:25:30,006 --> 00:25:31,526
That'd be like every
third motherfucker everywhere you went

514
00:25:31,573 --> 00:25:33,443
just got up and walked out,
never came back.

515
00:25:33,488 --> 00:25:35,008
Do I believe in
Heaven and Hell?

516
00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:36,535
I believe,
if you've been black

517
00:25:36,578 --> 00:25:37,968
you should automatically
get to go to Heaven

518
00:25:38,014 --> 00:25:39,414
because you done
already caught Hell.

519
00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:40,670
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

520
00:25:40,713 --> 00:25:41,713
Right that.

521
00:25:44,020 --> 00:25:45,670
Shit.

522
00:25:45,718 --> 00:25:47,848
Brothers, do that, man,
because I believe in Jesus.

523
00:25:47,894 --> 00:25:50,114
I don't want to be one
of them brothers that don't believe in Jesus.

524
00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:52,417
Because what the
Bible say, the Bible scares the shit out of you.

525
00:25:52,463 --> 00:25:55,473
"Jesus is coming back
like a thief in the night."

526
00:25:55,510 --> 00:25:56,770
The night?
When you look at it,

527
00:25:56,816 --> 00:25:58,856
that's when you do most
of your fucking up.

528
00:25:58,905 --> 00:26:01,035
You get that knock
at that motel door.[MIMICS DOOR KNOCKING]

529
00:26:01,081 --> 00:26:02,301
"Who is it?"
"It is I, my son."

530
00:26:02,343 --> 00:26:04,433
[GASPS]

531
00:26:04,475 --> 00:26:07,565
"Girl, put your panties on,
that's Jesus at the door."

532
00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:09,519
I got to go. See ya.

533
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:11,828
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

534
00:26:18,751 --> 00:26:21,361
[MUSIC STOPS]

535
00:26:21,405 --> 00:26:24,625
Thank you very much.
I'd like to bring my man up. Come here, man.

536
00:26:24,670 --> 00:26:27,320
Little rich scoop.

537
00:26:27,368 --> 00:26:28,368
Come here, man.

538
00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:30,715
Russell!

539
00:26:30,763 --> 00:26:32,633
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

540
00:26:34,854 --> 00:26:36,774
What... What?
Say what, man?

541
00:26:36,812 --> 00:26:39,512
Russell, say a little
something to people on how you feel.

542
00:26:39,554 --> 00:26:40,774
Thank you all
for the block party,

543
00:26:40,816 --> 00:26:42,246
I'll see y'all
next week. Peace.

544
00:26:42,296 --> 00:26:44,206
Later.

545
00:26:44,254 --> 00:26:46,344
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

546
00:26:46,394 --> 00:26:50,944
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